


Internal Dialogue

by tillly



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, F/F, Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2015-12-23
Packaged: 2018-05-08 06:52:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5487782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tillly/pseuds/tillly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Frustrated, confused, and in the closet, Pacifica Northwest only had to endure one final year of high school in Gravity Falls until she could move away and escape the place and people that had caused her so grief. She had assumed she was home free when her senior year began, but everything may not turn out to be as simple as she had anticipated with the return on her childhood rivals, the pines twins, causing her effortlessly cool facade to begin to crumble."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Define "Creative"

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a simple, self-indulgent Gravity Falls Mabel x Pacifica Fanfiction. There will most likely be quite a few of my own headcanons mixed into this story so I apologize if you do not agree with them. I hope you enjoy reading, though!

With a quite loud slamming of pencil onto table and squeal of chair suddenly sliding back, the girl in the back of the room stood and demanded, "Goddamn it!" The blatant furor of the young blonde startled the other twenty-some students who had been previously writing quietly at their desks, just as they had been told to.

"Northwest!" She had never heard a her name spoken in such an appalled tone before, especially by a teacher. "If you would please be considerate of the rest of the class and keep your outbursts to a minimum, that would be best." The glare she received through her teacher's putrid green glasses was burning with irritation, but did not measure up to the level of exasperation that she felt.

"I apologize, Ms.-- whatever your name is, but I simply can't do this assignment. You do know you're teaching creative writing, correct? I have serious doubts that keeping a diary falls under that category. Do you even know the meaning of the word creative?" The pure attitude in her voice, that she put no effort into disguising, reflected the stress forced upon her by the previous two weeks-- was it really only two weeks that they had been in school? It felt almost more like months had gone by, considering the emotional torture she had been through and how much strain that put her under. "What the fuck are we even doing this for?"

"Language! Pacifica Northwest, I've never known you to be the best student, but you keep this up and I'll have no choice other than to write you up." A stern look and a patronizing inflection was enough to quiet and seat the young girl, but not to stop her from grumbling. "Now, if you would please keep working on your journal entry, writing about the events of your summer. You may just thank me after it's over. Maybe you'll even be less stressed."

That was just it, though, wasn't it? She had already driven all of the unpleasant reminders of the incidents of the summer out of her mind and she would rather not have them resurfaced. All those nights of not being able to see through her own tears and, even worse, the days where she couldn't go two minutes without smiling for what seemed like no reason, but, truthfully, was due to the fact that she was so in love--

No. She shook her head, attempting to keep herself from going back to that place in her mind. The worse thing she could do right now would be to cry in the middle of class right after being scolded for having an outburst. With a sigh, she resigned to putting pencil to paper and begrudgingly writing,

_Journal entry #1 September 16th, 2016_

_I hate Mabel Pines._


	2. Had Me A Blast

"Ugh, ugh... ugh!" She despised how flustered just a simple writing assignment was making her; her heart rate just a bit too rapid, her cheeks flushed with unease, and her head in her hands, though still careful not to mess up her hair or makeup. It took her a moment to gather her thoughts before she could continue any sort of writing. _You are Pacifica Northwest_ , she declared inwardly, _you can do this. Okay._

_Journal entry #1 September 16th, 2016_

_I hate Mabel Pines._

_It's not like I can help it, and it's not like she really meant to break my heart. Maybe she doesn't even know that she did? Should I talk to her about it? Jesus fucking chri-_

At that point the tip of her pencil broke under the excessive pressure she had been pressing onto it, causing her to groan in frustration. A deep breath was all she really needed to prompt herself back into focus, making the rash decision to crumple up her current paper and pull a new, blank sheet out of her couture bag, earning another harsh glare from her teacher. Ignoring the fact that the classroom was almost completely silent, she spoke her thoughts aloud, "Okay. Let's try something a little different."

_Dear Mabel,_

_Where do I start? Well, my summer really started the day you came back to Gravity Falls. How many years had it been? Four? Maybe five? It felt like a lifetime-- and you had changed so much. That day that you saw me walking down main street, snuck up behind me, and flung your arms around me, ensnaring me in your hug. You seemed so happy to see me, almost as if you had entirely forgotten how mean I was to you when we were kids. Not only that, but you improved physically as well. Babe- you were so hot. Longer legs, brace-less teeth, and a new confidence about you that rivaled even the most gorgeous models and actresses. Maybe it was just me. Maybe I over-romanticized you and your beauty, but damn._

_In that moment, as we talked and caught up there on the street, other people that you hadn't seen in years would call your name and wave to you. You would grin shout a greeting to them, but would return to talking to me after they had passed. Nearly every person that walked by on that warm summer afternoon recognized you. Maybe that's why I fell so hard for you. You know everyone, and out of all the people that adored you, you liked me best and that made my heart feel ten times lighter._

The sound of her teacher clearing her throat pulled Pacifica back into reality and into the realization that her the ink on her paper in certain places was now smeared from the few tears that had fallen onto it. She sniffled quietly and made a failed attempt at wiping away the tears on her face without ruining her expertly executed makeup. By that point, however, she was far too absorbed into her writing to care all that much, so she continued,

_Did you know that I didn't even know that I was gay when I fell in love with you? Looking back, that sounds insane, but I just hadn't really thought about it until we started hanging out again this summer._

_In all seriousness, why did we start hanging out this summer? Why did you let me back into your life after I treated you so horribly? And after you had already spent a majority of your teenage life back in California while I was stuck in Gravity Falls. Actually, why did you come back at all? I guess that summer you spent here when we were twelve was a lot of fun... So I suppose spending your last summer and year of high school here isn't really so crazy, but still._

_And yet, you asked for my new phone number anyway. Later that same day, you texted me out of nowhere with at least ten emojis and asked if I wanted to come over to your house because you wanted to catch up with all of your childhood friends. That made me smile so much, you had no idea._

_God, I hadn't been anywhere near the Mystery Shack in years. It was so strange to go back there after it changed so much. Without the presence of your radiant personality for so long, the place just seemed so... dull. Arriving there and being warmly greeted by you along with your brother and both of your friends that still resided in Gravity Falls was the most strange of all, however. We were never very close so it always made me wonder why you suddenly wanted my company. Everyday I regret not asking you that question, I don't know why I never did._

_Your brother and friends were as weird as ever (and they still are), but I made polite conversation with them nevertheless. I hardly remember any of it now, but I do recall how flustered I became when they asked me about my love life. I shouldn't have been flustered, but I was. I suppose I was probably thinking about you. I denied any current relations, but my blushing cheeks said otherwise, so they poked and prodded until I finally got up and left the room to pull myself back together._

_I should have held out. I should have never buckled under their pressure. I should have just left right then and there, and never come back. I hate myself for telling yo--_

The sharp ringing of the bell signifying the end of class made the blonde jump, causing her hand to slip and draw a line, rather than finish her thought. With a soft sigh, she stood and packed her things into her bag, no longer anticipating having the ability to keep herself emotionally stable throughout the rest of the day.


	3. Friendzoning

_Do not look at me._ She knew it did no use to boss others around through her thoughts without even saying anything, but she would rather not call further attention to herself through shouting at strangers in the school hall. _Don't talk to me. Do not even consider coming near me right now._ She felt herself entitled to commanding others to direct their attention away from her tear streaked face, yet only yelling within her own head as she made her way toward the restroom.

"Oh, shit." This time her words were aloud, yet mumbled with almost a hint of panic laced into her voice. She was only a short ways away from the restroom where she could fix her makeup and hide any trace of her emotional break down, though there was something in her way that she knew there was no possible way to avoid. She tried her best to evade eye contact; moving her long hair in front of her face and popping the collar of her blouse to further shield herself, but with little effect.

"Pacifica! Hey you, I thought you weren't coming to school today." The call came from the opposite end of the hallway and caused the blonde to sigh and smooth out her collar, allowing herself to give the other girl a light, appealing smile.

"Hi, Mabel." She didn't need to talk very loud due to the fact that Mabel had already bounced her way over to meet her, though the quiet defeat in her voice was not likely to be heard over the loud conversations of those caught in the traffic of the crowded hallway. "Where'd you hear that from?"

A fleeting expression of concern faltered across the face of the young brunette before she took a moment to explain, "Well, Candy said she didn't see you this morning."

"I stayed home and slept an extra hour," she stated candidly in clarification, not quite having the energy to describe further. Had she been in that situation just a few weeks earlier, she would have carried out an elaborate conversation, making certain to talk to her up until the very last moment before they parted way. Now, however, she settled for uttering a soft, "I have to go" before turning to head to class, leaving Mabel to shrug and walk obliviously in the opposite direction.

There was no reason for Pacifica to ever admit to the fact that she was purposely avoiding Mabel. In fact, it was all outlined in their unspoken pact of which she was all too aware of. In short, the two girls were not to speak more than a few words or even so much as text the other since Mabel had hooked up with her new boy toy, as Pacifica referred to him. While what feelings the brunette may or may not still posses for her were a mystery, she tried her best to repress her own, coming up mostly unsuccessful.

It took her a moment to check her reflection in her compact mirror and take note that her eyes were incredibly red and puffy, obvious signs that she had been upset. Snapping the compact shut, she grumbled in quiet frustration before resigning to entering her third period classroom, only going through the daily motions of which she had grown so accustom to.

Almost without a thought, she collapsed into her seat in the back of the room and instinctively pulled out several papers from her bag, including the letter she had written to the so-called "love of her life". The exhale that escaped her lips was worthy of far more tragic events than what truly occurred, but, even so, she found herself emotional so she chose to finish her earlier thought on her eloquently written note.

_Dear Mabel,_

_Why did it have to be you?_

_Loathing and dubiously yours,  
Pacifica Elise Northwest_


	4. I'm Always Tired, But Never of You

_Dear Mabel,_

_Do you remember that day?_

_That day on that bench in the sun?_

_Damn, that was a good day._

_It was early June, I believe, and the air was crisp and cool, yet the sun was surprisingly warm on the skin, especially on our bare arms and legs that had been exposed by our athletic shorts and t-shirts. Jesus Christ, I can't believe I actually let you convince me to join the band of nerds you called the cross country team-- you know I only agreed in order to spend time alone with you, right? Which worked out in my favor since I, in turn, always somehow managed to convince you not to actually run with the team, but rather to just sit and talk with me._

A slight sigh escaped her parted lips as a gust of bracing, autumn air rushed past her, causing the girl only to retreat further into herself, wrapping her own arms tightly around her body. Her heavy winter coat paired with boots and a thick scarf had accomplished insulating her body heat quite well, yet she still felt ice cold, shivering with every cool breeze that passed the small bench outside of her high school that she had taken refuge on. Possibly, she speculated, the stirring of vexing memories could have effected her current mental state, but she still felt as if, without allowing herself to fully understand her emotions, she would remain in a situation of inner turmoil for far longer than she would prefer. This decisions is what led her to the continuation of her journal, writing down her thoughts while she waited patiently for her family's chauffeur to pick her up from school.

_I'm not sure if you had ever gotten a notion of this, but I had always planned on tell you first, before anyone else. Maybe that seems cliche; having your crush be the first person you confide in about your sexuality, almost like every "gay" film ever created. There was no one else I could even imagine being the first I come out to, though._

_In all honesty, I figured you weren't going to be surprised when I explained my immense gayness to you. Back when your friends inquired about my love life and I denied, saying there were no boys in my life, I knew you would pick up the pieces, I trusted that you would._

_So, there on that beautiful day on the bench in the sun, I came out to you in the most casual and conversational tone I could possibly manage, and, to my reassurance, you seemed as though you had seen it coming. Things seemed to fall right into place when immediately after you began discussing how you had been realizing more and more how attracted you were to girls, and how you were most likely bisexual. Even though I was ecstatic to hear this confirmed, it really came as no surprise to me._

_I know you think since you talk so much, that no one ever listens to you, but, Mabel, my dear, you are mistaken. I heard every compliment, every insult, every "Man, I would totally make out with her" as a hot girl walked by. I heard it all, no matter how much you'd like to wish I hadn't._

_You're an open book, Mabel Pines, and I read **every single fucking word**._

Pacifica looked up from her writing through tear filled eyes across the sidewalk to where a black limousine was stopped directly next to an identical bench to the one she sitting on. It was that bench that she could imagine the two of them, smiling, side by side, sharing a moment that they would only later find out was the beginning of a tragic love story, one that has yet to find it's happy ending. The tears were hot against the cold skin of her face, every drop filled with rage against the girl that had broken her heart, leaving her alone, only to imagine a time when she had someone to count on being there for her no matter the consequences.

Even though her ride was ready and waiting to take her home, she was resolved to writing her final statement on the matter:

_I fell in love with you that day. Right here. On this bench in the spring sun, but now it's autumn and I doubt you even have a single memory of the day that changed my life._

_With the upmost sincerity,_

_Pacifica Elise Northwest_


	5. Life Goes On

Pacifica had made a habit each morning before school of hand writing letters describing, in detail, the exact emotions that she was feeling in that moment , and addressing such letters to one Mabel Pines. In recent years, she had found enjoyment and solace in writing her thoughts into a form that she could read back to herself and internalize. Being organized and concrete made her problems seem so manageable. So, her endeavor to describe every thought that ran through her head, every word she never said, and every aching emotion regarding Mabel Pines in the past few months made perfect sense to her, yet she had the vague and indescribable feeling of anxiety when writing to her. In order to resolve this issue, she, with all the best intentions, wrote her last entry addressed to the girl that broke her heart:

_Mabel,_

_I'm sick. Sick of you. Sick and tired of you having control over me when you most likely don't even know that you do. Even now, when you are hardly even a part of my life anymore, I lie awake at night thinking about what I did wrong. I'm writing you a letter that I never even intend to give to you, for Christ's sake._

_So, in bitter spite of you, I have made the decision to resign from continuing this journal, forgoing any further contact with the figment of my own imagination that I have created to represent you. And, to say goodbye, I wrote you a poem:_

_"You can't blame the straights for your problems with the bisexuals._  
You can't blame the bisexuals for your problems with just one.  
You can't blame the one for their actions and choices.  
Wait. Yes I can.  
Fuck you." 

_Sincerely,  
Pacifica Elise Northwest_

With a heavy sigh and equally as heavy heart, she folded the piece of loose notebook in half and place it on the top of the pile of other letters that she had written within the past week since she had begun to document the events of her life with such. The strange feeling of defeat washed over her as she picked up the papers, straightening the ten or so of them for a moment before shoving them hastily into her school bag. Without a second thought, she turned on a heel to leave her bedroom and allow herself to mindlessly follow the same path she took everyday down the stairs, through the front hall, and out the door to catch sight of an old, beat up, red car waiting patiently for her arrival. That car, of course, being property of Stanley Pines, was being driven by his nephew, Dipper Pines. 

It was typical of her parents to forbid her from driving herself to and from school and Pacifica absolutely loathed the fact that she had yet to receive her driver's licence, leaving her to be driven around by her ex-girlfriend's twin brother-- It was strange for her to think of him in that light, however. Over the past summer, they had became so close, bonding over the fact that they both loved Mabel with the same unconditional appreciation, that she would almost be tempted to consider him as her... best friend?

"No fucking way is he my best friend." She spoke quietly, answering her own question in a mumbled tone accompanied by a small smirk that displayed the fact that she thought of Dipper as a complete joke. She laughed inwardly on her walk up to the car, knowing full well that the teenager behind the wheel was interested only in his phone, not even aware of her presence since he had most likely been waiting there for her for a while.

The sound of Pacifica opening the passenger side door of the car seemed to surprise the boy more than what would be expected-- though he was known for his jumpiness by anyone that knew him in the slightest. In all honesty, the girl that was now settled into her seat with seat belt on was a bit surprised as well, but more by the fact that she was alone with Dipper on their drive to school.

"Where is Mabel?" She hadn't meant to ask. She didn't even want to hear the answer, she knew that it would just hurt. She actually already knew the answer, which made her even more baffled as to why she had even uttered the simple question.

Her heart sank lower with every word that came out of Dipper's mouth, "George is driving her."

Just by hearing the name of the boy that had replaced her as the affection of Mabel's life, made her want to yell, to swear, to scream and throw a tantrum like the five year old that this immense jealousy made her feel like. But that was ridiculous and she knew it.

So, instead, she did the exact thing she always did in this situation: heavily lace a passive-aggressive attitude into her language. She did so with a dismissive statement in an attempt to match the casual tone of Dipper's voice, as well as drive her own mind away from the subject. "Well, I hope she isn't late again, like she has been for the past _week_." 

The teen driver didn't say anything in response, only giving her a small nod which Pacifica took with quiet triumph. Fortunately, they had made a habit out of driving to school in silence, giving the girl an opportunity to pull one of her notebooks out of her bag and, keeping her commitment intact not to write to Mabel any longer, began to write something a bit different.

_Dipper,_

_Why don't you get it?_

_I swear, I thought you were intelligent, but with every passing day you prove me wrong._

_You are literally sitting next to me completely oblivious to the fact that I'm heartbroken. I love her so much, Dipper, why can't you see that? At least you seem unaware, rather than knowing all about it and just not giving a fuck._

_I don't understand how you don't know, though. You were there for every step, every moment, every development in your sister and I's relationship that it seems unrealistic that all the support that you gave us could just be dropped and forgotten in just a month's time._

_I could always tell that it upset you, though. Maybe you're just trying to get back at me for all the time that I ignored your complaints of feeling like a third wheel and not being able to spend enough time with your sister. That would be understandable._

_At least tell me if that's the case, you dickhead. You're just leaving me paranoid and confused, writing these stupid letters that are getting me nowhere._

_But I'm afraid. Afraid of asking you what's going on. Afraid that if I explain my feelings I'll be ruining any chance I have of ever winning back her affections._

_I guess I'll just wait and see how this plays out._

_Sincerely,  
Pacifica Elise Northwest_

_P.S. I'm sorry if I never said this before, but thanks for being by best friend._

 

She finished writing her last statement on the matter just in time to pull up into the parking lot of the school, giving her just enough time to put her things back into her bag, thank Dipper for the ride to school, and make it to class before catching the attention of the girl that she loved more than words could describe.


End file.
